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getting back to...
Jan. 28th, 2012 07:53 pm...my recent post about self-talk and self-criticism:
why do we come down so hard on ourselves when we make a mistake? Or, more to the point, what do we really want at such a time?
My theory du jour is that, when we mess up, we want to not mess up again, and/or we want to do better next time. So why not just say that?
I've been making a conscious effort to do that over the last few yonks -- interestingly, it gets surprisingly easier to do, surprisingly fast. When I goof up, I don't call myself an idiot or suchlike, I say to myself “I hope I do that better next time” or “I hope I don't do that again”.
Two things I've noticed:
1) there has been a noticeable undercurrent of gentleness and peace in my life since I started being nicer to myself inside
2) I have not become more prone to making mistakes since I stopped punishing myself for them, it's not like my “performance” has “suffered”
Our world is full of cultures throughout space and time that believe that the way to prevent mistakes is to punish them when they happen and make them painful. Many of us got it from our parents, sibs, bosses... and internalized it along the way. And since this belief is so widespread, maybe it is the most effective way to improve performance. But such improvement occurs at the expense of our own peace and happiness. And yes, society is more interested in us performing effectively than in us being happy.
But when it's us dealing with ourselves, we have a right to value our happiness more, to treat ourselves lovingly.
I feel like I'm onto something here.
why do we come down so hard on ourselves when we make a mistake? Or, more to the point, what do we really want at such a time?
My theory du jour is that, when we mess up, we want to not mess up again, and/or we want to do better next time. So why not just say that?
I've been making a conscious effort to do that over the last few yonks -- interestingly, it gets surprisingly easier to do, surprisingly fast. When I goof up, I don't call myself an idiot or suchlike, I say to myself “I hope I do that better next time” or “I hope I don't do that again”.
Two things I've noticed:
1) there has been a noticeable undercurrent of gentleness and peace in my life since I started being nicer to myself inside
2) I have not become more prone to making mistakes since I stopped punishing myself for them, it's not like my “performance” has “suffered”
Our world is full of cultures throughout space and time that believe that the way to prevent mistakes is to punish them when they happen and make them painful. Many of us got it from our parents, sibs, bosses... and internalized it along the way. And since this belief is so widespread, maybe it is the most effective way to improve performance. But such improvement occurs at the expense of our own peace and happiness. And yes, society is more interested in us performing effectively than in us being happy.
But when it's us dealing with ourselves, we have a right to value our happiness more, to treat ourselves lovingly.
I feel like I'm onto something here.
