![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
johncomicA thought recently popped into my head, not especially profound because I think it's maybe true for everyone, but I sat with it a while and got some value out of it -- the thought was this:
If I don't make myself a priority, and focus on meeting my needs, no one else is going to.
After a while, that thought morphed into a string of questions: what do I need that I'm not getting? what do I want that I'm not getting? which of those things is it within my power to do something about? what will make me happier than I am now?
Those questions have been a guiding force for me over the last while, and I realize that it's unusual for me to approach my life this way. I haven't consistently made myself a priority, and I think it's because way in the back of myself I was doubting that I was worth it. Anyway, since then, things in my life have changed -- in small ways, perhaps, but in good ways.
One thing that strikes me as odd about all this is: when I look over the questions, it appears to me like I am looking to give myself licence to indulge myself. And yet I find that, in a number of areas, I have been exercising more self-discipline. I don't think I realized before that that is something I wanted. (Probably the most eye-opening part of the whole process, for me.)
I've also noticed that I occasionally berate myself for this new focus in my life -- the phrase cold, lazy, selfish coward keeps cropping up. But a little more thought tells me that this is not how I actually feel about myself -- it's more like this is how I expect other people to see me, and I'm bracing myself for the impact when they do. Because, as I started out saying, my needs and wants are not a priority to anyone else. I'm sure that some of my loved ones, if confronted with this idea, would deny it: "Of course your desires are important to me! Because you're important to me!" But I have come to realize that what people invariably seem to mean is, "I support you in your quest to make yourself a priority -- as long as I am a higher priority. I want you to tend to your own wants -- after you have tended to mine." Part of what has changed lately is that I am less willing to put myself out to serve others -- not utterly unwilling, but less willing. I'm learning to say "no" -- which is where I expect the "cold, lazy and selfish" to come into it, eventually.
I think I need to keep working with this.
If I don't make myself a priority, and focus on meeting my needs, no one else is going to.
After a while, that thought morphed into a string of questions: what do I need that I'm not getting? what do I want that I'm not getting? which of those things is it within my power to do something about? what will make me happier than I am now?
Those questions have been a guiding force for me over the last while, and I realize that it's unusual for me to approach my life this way. I haven't consistently made myself a priority, and I think it's because way in the back of myself I was doubting that I was worth it. Anyway, since then, things in my life have changed -- in small ways, perhaps, but in good ways.
One thing that strikes me as odd about all this is: when I look over the questions, it appears to me like I am looking to give myself licence to indulge myself. And yet I find that, in a number of areas, I have been exercising more self-discipline. I don't think I realized before that that is something I wanted. (Probably the most eye-opening part of the whole process, for me.)
I've also noticed that I occasionally berate myself for this new focus in my life -- the phrase cold, lazy, selfish coward keeps cropping up. But a little more thought tells me that this is not how I actually feel about myself -- it's more like this is how I expect other people to see me, and I'm bracing myself for the impact when they do. Because, as I started out saying, my needs and wants are not a priority to anyone else. I'm sure that some of my loved ones, if confronted with this idea, would deny it: "Of course your desires are important to me! Because you're important to me!" But I have come to realize that what people invariably seem to mean is, "I support you in your quest to make yourself a priority -- as long as I am a higher priority. I want you to tend to your own wants -- after you have tended to mine." Part of what has changed lately is that I am less willing to put myself out to serve others -- not utterly unwilling, but less willing. I'm learning to say "no" -- which is where I expect the "cold, lazy and selfish" to come into it, eventually.
I think I need to keep working with this.
