something I am grateful for today

[johncomic]

This mornin I blew it. I took a different route than usual to the office to save Sharon some time because we were running late. And this route normally works as long as you remember to get into that lane before you hit the traffic jam in front of the school, otherwise you'll get stuck. Today I forgot to get into that lane in time, and we got stuck, so we didn't save any time at all. I've been going that way for years and know better, but today when it mattered it's like I forgot everything I ever knew.

And I know that recently I've posted here more than once about how to be nicer to yourself, how to talk to yourself when you mess up, etc. -- but at that moment I got re-stuck into my old habits and just couldn't do all those nice enlightened things I talk about. I felt like a moron. And I was sure Sharon was thinking that I was a moron, I just knew it. And I couldn't argue with her argument that she never said, because she was right even if she never said it. I felt stupid and useless and full of fail and intensely down on myself. And then I realized that I felt leaden and sick.

Which was followed suddenly by a moment of insight where:
A) I realized that I used to feel leaden and sick all the time
B) I realized that I really really hate feeling that way.

And before I knew it I was telling myself No!!! Fuck this!! I will not feel this way! I refuse to! I will not wear the mantle of moron for anybody's sake! I just made one mistake! I will acknowledge it, try to do better next time, and move on! That's all!

Within minutes I felt the leaden weight lift, and I started feeling more like my “recent normal”. And I realized that I was not beating myself with “this is how I should be doing it” or “this is how I ought to be doing it” -- this was my choice. I wanted to feel better, I wanted to not feel sick at the thought of myself. I have learned how to decide to pull myself out of funks like this where I used to not be able to.

I feel frickin empowered right now.

Comments

[ginsu.livejournal.com]

If it's just a case of getting distracted because you were talking to someone in your car, because normally that person isn't there at that time, then geez, that happens to everybody.

[johncomic.livejournal.com]

A very fair point -- and in fact there was someone with us today who isn't always. Maybe I was talking to her when I shoulda been changing lanes, I'm not sure.

But I come from a lifetime of castigating myself over things that happen to everybody as if they made me uniquely unqualified to live. The depressive mindset is rationally indefensible but frighteningly tenacious.