abyss of the psyche
Apr. 16th, 2003 02:25 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
johncomiceverything changed when i was six. [yes, virginia, there is a six...]
i developed a sudden phobia about dogs. i became shy. i would verge on hysterics when an object shattered. i would grow nostalgic and maudlin when thinking about my "childhood" [i.e., preschooler-hood], in ways i prefer not to discuss in detail here just now. today, all of these things are managed better, from my so-called adult vantage point... but they are still with me, still things i continually have to cope with -- none of them were ever resolved.
only recently did i put together that all these things happened around the same time... and it got me to wondering if there was some repressed trauma back then that i have no memory of. my family not only knows nothing about any traumatic event, they don't see how anything could've happened [we were such sheltered kids...]. nothing clicks, nothing gets clearer... "repressed child abuse" suggestions don't ring any bells... i was even considering hypnotic regression therapy...
but now i'm wondering if what i saw as one of the symptoms might itself actually be the trigger. what is the first thing i can remember that was different? this:
i was on my way home, about half a block away when i passed by this one neighbour's yard where their terrier was out sniffing around. now this was one of those tiny terriers, not much more than a somewhat enlarged chihuahua really... and as i passed by, it suddenly lunged at me yapping furiously. startled and scared the bahooey outa me...
up until then i hadn't been particularly afraid of dogs. especially not this one, i'd known her my whole life, pretty much.... walked past her a zillion times and nothing out of the ordinary ever happened. i dunno what set her off that day, i wasn't bothering her... barely even paying attention to her until she jumped me, "forcing" me out into the street to avoid her...
but it seems to me that this event triggered a bunch of themes in my life that have defined it [and me] ever since:
by age six, i had been reading for years, and my fave reading material was stuff about science. i felt that the world around me was knowable and orderly [and, on account of that, beautiful]. nothing delighted me more than learning more about the universe and how it worked. so one of the things that shook and upset me most about being attacked by this chihuahua was that it didn't make sense, there was no reason for it that i could see. [and even now, things that don't make sense bother me, even anger me sometimes...]
yet i was unwilling to give up my view of an ultimately rational universe, so on some level i was sure that the chihuahua attack would have an explanation if only i knew more about it than i did... that learning more and knowing more would give me the ability to cope, would give me some greater measure of control in my life [and even now, i still feel that you can always determine "The Right Answer" if you have enough facts... and one of my most common reasons for not taking action on something is "not having enough info"...]
i also learned that i need to be more careful about who and what i should trust... so i've been overcautious that way ever since [the strange thing is that once i come to know a dog well, and feel comfortable with it, like i can trust it, there is nothing on earth i love more, i think dogs are great... and they love me cuz i will gladly sit and pet them for hours -- and yet i have this phobic/panic reaction about ones i don't know...]
i can also recall feeling that the whole chihuahua-attack event was "mean" and "unfair"... because i wasn't doing anything wrong, i didn't bother the dog, i barely even saw it, i was "being good" so everything should've worked out [and even now, i still usually try to "follow the rules" and "do the right thing"... and i feel mightily ripped off when i do that and things still don't work out for me]
i realize how childish/irrational/insert-pejorative-here this all sounds... yet i'm forced to acknowledge that it's there... and this incident is when i remember these issues first arising to plague my life... so maybe the terrier is the unwitting trauma/trigger of my current existential state... will i ever be sure?
i developed a sudden phobia about dogs. i became shy. i would verge on hysterics when an object shattered. i would grow nostalgic and maudlin when thinking about my "childhood" [i.e., preschooler-hood], in ways i prefer not to discuss in detail here just now. today, all of these things are managed better, from my so-called adult vantage point... but they are still with me, still things i continually have to cope with -- none of them were ever resolved.
only recently did i put together that all these things happened around the same time... and it got me to wondering if there was some repressed trauma back then that i have no memory of. my family not only knows nothing about any traumatic event, they don't see how anything could've happened [we were such sheltered kids...]. nothing clicks, nothing gets clearer... "repressed child abuse" suggestions don't ring any bells... i was even considering hypnotic regression therapy...
but now i'm wondering if what i saw as one of the symptoms might itself actually be the trigger. what is the first thing i can remember that was different? this:
i was on my way home, about half a block away when i passed by this one neighbour's yard where their terrier was out sniffing around. now this was one of those tiny terriers, not much more than a somewhat enlarged chihuahua really... and as i passed by, it suddenly lunged at me yapping furiously. startled and scared the bahooey outa me...
up until then i hadn't been particularly afraid of dogs. especially not this one, i'd known her my whole life, pretty much.... walked past her a zillion times and nothing out of the ordinary ever happened. i dunno what set her off that day, i wasn't bothering her... barely even paying attention to her until she jumped me, "forcing" me out into the street to avoid her...
but it seems to me that this event triggered a bunch of themes in my life that have defined it [and me] ever since:
by age six, i had been reading for years, and my fave reading material was stuff about science. i felt that the world around me was knowable and orderly [and, on account of that, beautiful]. nothing delighted me more than learning more about the universe and how it worked. so one of the things that shook and upset me most about being attacked by this chihuahua was that it didn't make sense, there was no reason for it that i could see. [and even now, things that don't make sense bother me, even anger me sometimes...]
yet i was unwilling to give up my view of an ultimately rational universe, so on some level i was sure that the chihuahua attack would have an explanation if only i knew more about it than i did... that learning more and knowing more would give me the ability to cope, would give me some greater measure of control in my life [and even now, i still feel that you can always determine "The Right Answer" if you have enough facts... and one of my most common reasons for not taking action on something is "not having enough info"...]
i also learned that i need to be more careful about who and what i should trust... so i've been overcautious that way ever since [the strange thing is that once i come to know a dog well, and feel comfortable with it, like i can trust it, there is nothing on earth i love more, i think dogs are great... and they love me cuz i will gladly sit and pet them for hours -- and yet i have this phobic/panic reaction about ones i don't know...]
i can also recall feeling that the whole chihuahua-attack event was "mean" and "unfair"... because i wasn't doing anything wrong, i didn't bother the dog, i barely even saw it, i was "being good" so everything should've worked out [and even now, i still usually try to "follow the rules" and "do the right thing"... and i feel mightily ripped off when i do that and things still don't work out for me]
i realize how childish/irrational/insert-pejorative-here this all sounds... yet i'm forced to acknowledge that it's there... and this incident is when i remember these issues first arising to plague my life... so maybe the terrier is the unwitting trauma/trigger of my current existential state... will i ever be sure?
