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yet another Mary Oliver poem
Feb. 4th, 2019 06:43 pmone which I read days ago, but which has stuck with me, with cutting insistence, ever since:
The Old Poets of China
Wherever I am, the world comes after me.
It offers me its busyness. It does not believe
that I do not want it. Now I understand
why the old poets of China went so far and high
into the mountains, then crept into the pale mist.
The Old Poets of China
Wherever I am, the world comes after me.
It offers me its busyness. It does not believe
that I do not want it. Now I understand
why the old poets of China went so far and high
into the mountains, then crept into the pale mist.
something I am grateful for today
Feb. 3rd, 2019 05:12 pmmy books -- was just looking at them and thinking of the ones I look forward to reading, the ones I look forward to re-reading, how good it feels that they wait so patiently for me....
something I am grateful for today
Feb. 1st, 2019 07:11 pma day filled with small things but good things
S0CS - 20190130
Jan. 30th, 2019 07:08 pmI remember it was in 1985 that I started attending school in Toronto to work on my Ph.D. (which I never got, but that's another story). And it was around this same time that I was corresponding via snail mail with Scott McCloud and he got me into manga. Besides having him tell me about it and what he was getting out of it, I would at times mail him some cash and he would mail me back manga (untranslated in those days) from the bigger bookstores in NYC. No place around here carried them then.
But the bigger comic book shops in Toronto were starting to carry anime-related materials, including "anime manga" -- books created using stills from anime instead of B&W manga drawings, and then provided with word balloons (again, untranslated -- I wasn't the only geek willing to buy comics he couldn't read). It was these anime materials in Toronto that introduced me to Captain Harlock.
Not only was I fascinated by Reiji Matsumoto's unique drawing style, but the anachronistic mishmash of his visuals expanded my mind and helped wean me away from strict literal-mindedness in my enjoyment of things. Harlock struck me as so cool, he was the first time I was ever really attracted to the pulp trope of space pirates. Not long after, I got the first bee in my bonnet about creating my own space pirate comic.
My initial designs were heavily influenced by anime and manga, of course, but I deliberately drew upon other influential artists of those years to try and craft what I hoped would be a distinctive look. I settled on the name Vant for him, primarily so that its possessive -- Vant's -- would be a tribute to Jack Vance, one of my very fave SF writers.
Over the next few years, I found myself doing reams of research for the sake of world-building for this series. I learned so much about the planetologies of the solar system, the mechanics of space flight and space living... but never actually wrote my story.
I had my pirate but had no idea what he was gonna do. A few half-baked notions came and went and got discarded. One story made it to twenty pages of script before I lost faith in it. And then life circumstances intervened and derailed the whole project for years. But I never lost this urge to create a rollicking adventure space-pirate comic.
And then, several years ago, I stumbled across a couple of volumes of Valerian I had picked up in Toronto back in the 80s, and finally actually read them. And something clicked, and I wanted to make my space pirate again. Since then, I have completely re-done my world-building, this time more directly influenced by Vance -- the only thing that survived was Vant's name. (I still dunno if I love the name, but have yet to think of anything I like better...) And I have spent the time sketching and tweaking, trying to nail down the visuals of my cast and incidentals of their lives, re-thinking my entire approach to the tone and theme of the series...
....but I still don't have a story! I have my pirate but I dunno what he is gonna do! A couple years ago I got as far as a new twenty-page fragment of a whole new script before I lost faith. Really hoping that writing this down will shake my brain out of this time loop and get me actually creating an actual story that I can actually draw and actually get people to read!
But the bigger comic book shops in Toronto were starting to carry anime-related materials, including "anime manga" -- books created using stills from anime instead of B&W manga drawings, and then provided with word balloons (again, untranslated -- I wasn't the only geek willing to buy comics he couldn't read). It was these anime materials in Toronto that introduced me to Captain Harlock.
Not only was I fascinated by Reiji Matsumoto's unique drawing style, but the anachronistic mishmash of his visuals expanded my mind and helped wean me away from strict literal-mindedness in my enjoyment of things. Harlock struck me as so cool, he was the first time I was ever really attracted to the pulp trope of space pirates. Not long after, I got the first bee in my bonnet about creating my own space pirate comic.
My initial designs were heavily influenced by anime and manga, of course, but I deliberately drew upon other influential artists of those years to try and craft what I hoped would be a distinctive look. I settled on the name Vant for him, primarily so that its possessive -- Vant's -- would be a tribute to Jack Vance, one of my very fave SF writers.
Over the next few years, I found myself doing reams of research for the sake of world-building for this series. I learned so much about the planetologies of the solar system, the mechanics of space flight and space living... but never actually wrote my story.
I had my pirate but had no idea what he was gonna do. A few half-baked notions came and went and got discarded. One story made it to twenty pages of script before I lost faith in it. And then life circumstances intervened and derailed the whole project for years. But I never lost this urge to create a rollicking adventure space-pirate comic.
And then, several years ago, I stumbled across a couple of volumes of Valerian I had picked up in Toronto back in the 80s, and finally actually read them. And something clicked, and I wanted to make my space pirate again. Since then, I have completely re-done my world-building, this time more directly influenced by Vance -- the only thing that survived was Vant's name. (I still dunno if I love the name, but have yet to think of anything I like better...) And I have spent the time sketching and tweaking, trying to nail down the visuals of my cast and incidentals of their lives, re-thinking my entire approach to the tone and theme of the series...
....but I still don't have a story! I have my pirate but I dunno what he is gonna do! A couple years ago I got as far as a new twenty-page fragment of a whole new script before I lost faith. Really hoping that writing this down will shake my brain out of this time loop and get me actually creating an actual story that I can actually draw and actually get people to read!
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A thought recently popped into my head, not especially profound because I think it's maybe true for everyone, but I sat with it a while and got some value out of it -- the thought was this:
If I don't make myself a priority, and focus on meeting my needs, no one else is going to.
After a while, that thought morphed into a string of questions: what do I need that I'm not getting? what do I want that I'm not getting? which of those things is it within my power to do something about? what will make me happier than I am now?
Those questions have been a guiding force for me over the last while, and I realize that it's unusual for me to approach my life this way. I haven't consistently made myself a priority, and I think it's because way in the back of myself I was doubting that I was worth it. Anyway, since then, things in my life have changed -- in small ways, perhaps, but in good ways.
One thing that strikes me as odd about all this is: when I look over the questions, it appears to me like I am looking to give myself licence to indulge myself. And yet I find that, in a number of areas, I have been exercising more self-discipline. I don't think I realized before that that is something I wanted. (Probably the most eye-opening part of the whole process, for me.)
I've also noticed that I occasionally berate myself for this new focus in my life -- the phrase cold, lazy, selfish coward keeps cropping up. But a little more thought tells me that this is not how I actually feel about myself -- it's more like this is how I expect other people to see me, and I'm bracing myself for the impact when they do. Because, as I started out saying, my needs and wants are not a priority to anyone else. I'm sure that some of my loved ones, if confronted with this idea, would deny it: "Of course your desires are important to me! Because you're important to me!" But I have come to realize that what people invariably seem to mean is, "I support you in your quest to make yourself a priority -- as long as I am a higher priority. I want you to tend to your own wants -- after you have tended to mine." Part of what has changed lately is that I am less willing to put myself out to serve others -- not utterly unwilling, but less willing. I'm learning to say "no" -- which is where I expect the "cold, lazy and selfish" to come into it, eventually.
I think I need to keep working with this.
If I don't make myself a priority, and focus on meeting my needs, no one else is going to.
After a while, that thought morphed into a string of questions: what do I need that I'm not getting? what do I want that I'm not getting? which of those things is it within my power to do something about? what will make me happier than I am now?
Those questions have been a guiding force for me over the last while, and I realize that it's unusual for me to approach my life this way. I haven't consistently made myself a priority, and I think it's because way in the back of myself I was doubting that I was worth it. Anyway, since then, things in my life have changed -- in small ways, perhaps, but in good ways.
One thing that strikes me as odd about all this is: when I look over the questions, it appears to me like I am looking to give myself licence to indulge myself. And yet I find that, in a number of areas, I have been exercising more self-discipline. I don't think I realized before that that is something I wanted. (Probably the most eye-opening part of the whole process, for me.)
I've also noticed that I occasionally berate myself for this new focus in my life -- the phrase cold, lazy, selfish coward keeps cropping up. But a little more thought tells me that this is not how I actually feel about myself -- it's more like this is how I expect other people to see me, and I'm bracing myself for the impact when they do. Because, as I started out saying, my needs and wants are not a priority to anyone else. I'm sure that some of my loved ones, if confronted with this idea, would deny it: "Of course your desires are important to me! Because you're important to me!" But I have come to realize that what people invariably seem to mean is, "I support you in your quest to make yourself a priority -- as long as I am a higher priority. I want you to tend to your own wants -- after you have tended to mine." Part of what has changed lately is that I am less willing to put myself out to serve others -- not utterly unwilling, but less willing. I'm learning to say "no" -- which is where I expect the "cold, lazy and selfish" to come into it, eventually.
I think I need to keep working with this.
rescued from an old post
Jan. 28th, 2019 01:45 pmI am not my habits.
I am not my choices.
I am not my thoughts.
I am not my fears.
I am not my desires.
I am not my choices.
I am not my thoughts.
I am not my fears.
I am not my desires.
something I am grateful for today
Jan. 28th, 2019 11:32 amgiving more thought to my self-care regimen
from "Evidence" by Mary Oliver
Jan. 27th, 2019 05:27 pman excerpt:
Among the swans there is none called the least, or
the greatest.
another excerpt:
Some memories I would give anything to forget.
Others I would not give up upon the point of
death, they are the bright hawks of my life.
something I am grateful for today
Jan. 26th, 2019 02:38 pmmoments which I have lived in -- and my intention to seize more of those
something I am grateful for today
Jan. 25th, 2019 03:31 pmwaking up feeling handsome
I am the first to admit that I don't actually look any better today than I have all week, but today I like what I see better. No idea why, but in recent months I have been making more of an effort to take my Good Feelings That Don't Make Sense and simply enjoy them while I have them, rather than feel compelled to interrogate them out of existence.
I am the first to admit that I don't actually look any better today than I have all week, but today I like what I see better. No idea why, but in recent months I have been making more of an effort to take my Good Feelings That Don't Make Sense and simply enjoy them while I have them, rather than feel compelled to interrogate them out of existence.
